we are all born mad. some remain so.

i find myself blogging in the busiest of times, where everything around me requires me to commit (drama archi swc shaca) all at once, i just need to run away and sort out my thoughts. thats where blogging comes in.

so many things have happened, so many thoughts, so much feelings, i cant write them all down right now. but what i can say is im not in the best of moods, to put it mildly.

its not necessarily "bad mood", but more of being in the "grey area". so many things presented before me, and i dont know what and how to make out of it. things that are neither good nor bad, but just makes me re-evaluate things ive always thought were enough. or right. or good.

its worse than being in a bad mood, at least u noe you are supposed to be frustrated or displeased. hanging in the middle of nowhere just makes things less clear, i have this freaking urge to computerise everything in my life, so that i can clearly decide how to feel right now.

do i want what i have right now?
can i handle what im doing right now?
is what im doing right?
what am i doing things for?

yes. thats the most impt question. what am i doing things for? what are YOU doing things for? the model answer should be "you do things for yourself." but no one does that. because that will automatically earn you the label of "selfish", or "insensitive".
hence when things change, you cannot expect yourself to lead the same life as before. there are more things and consequences to consider. especially the people around you. humans ARE complex animals. they have feelings that you are directly conscious of. yet by conveniently being indifferent or choosing to ignore or thinking that things will run smoothly is an obviously erronous conception. humans are smart. they interpret things and derive EMOTIONS that no one can ever say thats right or wrong to have. however, what they THINK can be evaluated as right or wrong. perhaps you believe things can work out by adopting a certain way. but the truth is it CANNOT. not when humans are involved.

after talking for so long, you still have no idea what this is about?

neither do i.

dont worry. its a classic architecture gesture.

being outrageously ambiguous.

nevermind. im just very tired.