we are all born mad. some remain so.

today we present the first edition of The Guide to ATM Etiquette, which should be referenced anytime someone is waiting behind you to use the machine, and especially if that someone behind you is me:

-let's start with the basics. GET READY.
for guys: like how you are to get into your girlfriend's pants.
for ladies: like how you are when you queue up in front of robinsons for the singapore sale.

i can't stress this enough.

there is nothing more maddening than being behind someone who gets to the ATM, then begins laboriously rooting through coat pockets for eyeglasses, or rummaging through your bag for your wallet THEN rummaging through your wallet for your ATM card. until your stubby little fingers reach the keys, this process can take all day.

there is a term for people who do this. but it can't be said here, as i just started a non-vulgarity campaign for get ready for my upcoming job. and i need to hold onto this job for a while.

*a word to the wise: there is nothing people hate more than getting stuck behind someone doing all his or her banking for the next 10 months.

people will want to hit you with a brick.

-on a related note, my sister believes the only transaction anyone should ever do at an ATM is WITHDRAWAL. and that other machines that do deposits and passbook checkings should be converted to withdrawal ATMs.

she is a teacher/workholic, and such people have very little patience for dawdlers. this is probably due to the kids, and the fact workaholics are always in a hurry to get work done.

i don't feel quite as strongly about the withdrawal thing as she does. but i don't like getting behind the guy making 14 deposits and checking the balance a dozen times, either.

that would be the job of BANKS.

-when you're done, get out of the way.

theres a tendency among some ATM users to engage in excessive tidying-up when through with their transaction.

they stand there putting their ATM cards back in their little holders, putting their receipts in their wallet, putting their wallet back in their pocketbook, putting their little holders into their bags and so on and so forth.

don't do this.

the people in line behind you will not admire your thoroughness. they will not marvel at how organised you are. they will hate you.

-a word about children using the ATM.

as the parent of a toddler or primary school kid, you may feel its 'cute' to have little Priscilla or Jeremy punch the keys during your transaction.

you may even feel the ATM is an ideal place to conduct their first little lessons on banking and finance, a place to explain what a checking account is, how a savings account works, etc.

do it on your own time, ok?

the rest of us have a life to get on with.

-a word to rookie users of ATMs.

its hard to believe that some 20 years after ATM's were first introduced, there are still people unfamiliar with the basic operation of the machine.

to those people, i would say this: perhaps 6pm on a friday night at a orchard ATM is not the best time to swipe your card, giggle at the screen and chirp: "wah ive never done this before!"

notice all those people in line behind you?

notice how none of them appears to be in a good mood?

these people need cash. they have to get home. they have to go for Ladies' Night in Chinablack.

and you're holding them up.

they want to get drunk. they want to have fun. they need to take care of their wailing kids at home whom they have dumped with Maria. they dont want to show you how to access your checking account.

-the Great Battle Over Handphones is lost, we all know that.

the Forces of Darkness have won.

people now think nothing of carrying on even the most intimate, or insane, phone conversations in any setting, in front of anyone.

nevertheless, it would be nice if you could just hold off talking on your handphone for the minute or so that you're at the ATM, and devote your full attention to the transaction.

this tends to speed things up.

sure, we all like to hear more of the loud conversation you're having about your horrible boss or slutty collegues or infidel boyfriend- it sounds fascinating.

but maybe you could get your banking out of the way before you resume bitching about them in public.